Friday, July 19, 2013

Obviously Secure

Empty your water bottle, stow it in the suitcase. Empty your pockets: wallet, cell phone, coins, keys. Put stuff in your laptop bag. Keep your license and boarding pass out. Smile, be friendly, don't be irritated or grumpy, don't look suspicious.

OK, now get the baggie of liquids out, get the laptop out, wait till the last minute to step out of the flip-flops, put 'em all in trays, push the bags and the trays into the gaping mouth of the RapiScan 620 DV... Wait just long enough to be reasonably sure they won't be burped up, forcing the lady behind you to deal with them.

Stuff the license in your pocket, show your boarding pass one more time, step through the metal detector, pause for the slight delay caused by the re-scan and eventual manual probing of the suspicious bag of the dude in front of you. Wait just a few seconds for the guts of the RapiScan to digest your stuff.

OK, you're nearly there. You are now deemed safe for air travel by the Men In Blue. But the dude who was in front of you is now behind you, waiting for his bag, hopefully not having to explain why he's trying to transport so many batteries on an airplane. Or God forbid, a sole nail file.

You do not have a shoe bomb, your water does not have any explosives mixed in with it because THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY WATER, your laptop cannot possibly be used to trigger anything except blog comments at this point, you ARE who your ID says you are, and there is no possible way you could be a threat to anybody for any reason while on your upcoming flight. If there was, surely they would have prevented your passage.

So, now you can reverse the whole process and put yourself back together. Mostly.

Collect your bags and trays, pooped out irregularly from the butt of the RapiScan.

Empty your trays, put your flip-flops back on as soon as possible, get your laptop and baggie of liquids, stash 'em where they belong.

Get your pocket contents back out and put them back in your pockets. Put your license away. Now keep the boarding pass in your pocket.

And, now, finally ... you can get your empty water bottle out of your suitcase, fill it up at a water fountain, take a nice long swig, and bask in the glow of your ... safety.

After all, we all know the screeners are perfect and never miss a thing. I mean, they spend a whole few seconds on EACH bag and tray. Plus, the visualization software they use to scan the bags for bad stuff is certified to have NO BUGS WHATSOEVER. I feel so warm, and fuzzy, and safe. And secure.

Thanks, Men In Blue.